Happy First Day of Spring!
I was going through some of my saved articles and thought the following two my be of interest to some of you. If nothing else, maybe you'll find them amusing. I might posted one of them once before, but I think their worth another read.
Have a wonderful day, my friends. May it be good to you.
12 Biggest Blunders That Evil Wizards Make
There's nothing more awesome than an evil wizard. Commanding the forces of darkness, chewing the scenery, wielding objects of terrible power... it's a great gig. But it's not one with a lot of job security. Here are 12 terrible mistakes that evil wizards always end up making, which prove their downfall.
Note: For the purposes of this article, we're using "wizard," "witch" and "sorcerer" interchangeably, and not putting any kind of gender connotation on any of those terms.
1) Falling in love with one of the good guys
Depending on which version of the story you go by, Morgan le Fay falls in love with either Merlin or Lancelot. And this love is generally something that gets in the way of her ability to screw with Arthur and take down Camelot — she's too busy imprisoning and/or stalking the object of her love to hatch any other plans. Meanwhile, in Legend, Tim Curry wants to destroy the last unicorn, but he gets sidetracked into giving Mia Sara a gothy makeover.
2) Scheming against each other
In Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, the Foresaken are the most feared villains — evil sorcerers with the Dark One's mark on them. They're pretty much unfuckwitable. Originally there are 29 of them, and then they get whittled down to just 13. And then those, too, get dealt with. But none of these evil masterminds is taken out by the Light — instead, they're killed by the Dark One, who worries they might betray him. Or they kill each other as part of their endless infighting. As Verin explains in The Gathering Storm: "The Chosen are like a bunch of squabbling children, each trying to scream the loudest and attract their father's attention. It's easy to determine what they want: Power over the other children, proof that they are the most important."
3) Not making sure the hero is really dead
This applies across the board, since mystical villains are really fond of terrible death traps. But it's especially true when you're ordering someone to kill a baby. How often does that actually work? Inevitably, the baby gets smuggled away or replaced with another baby, or they kill a decoy baby made of lunchmeat instead, or whatever. If you really want that baby dead, you'd better see a tiny mangled (but still identifiable) body afterwards. Otherwise, you can be pretty sure they'll be back, in a dozen years or so.
Read the rest here.
This Evil Overlord List
- My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
- Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
- I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
Read the rest here.
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